Case of the Piss Miss

From the Santa Barbara Hounds Case Files

Case File #86 #87

See previous cases here.

Agents Involved: Wilder, Percipheles

November 11

Wilder, while working as a custodian at Does Pueblos HS, was contacted by several teachers about a recurring incident in the Social Studies faculty restroom. The situation was reported as a daily “pee puddle” causing discomfort to female staff. One eye witness described the event as “some guy keeps spraying everywhere except the bowl.” Wilder took the case. HOUNDS!

November 12

Percipheles, working therapeutic community support at San Marcos HS, took the week off to assist.

The toilet was examined. From Wilder’s moleskin:

American standard white. Almost a cotton color. Commercial-grade vitreous china with plastic hinges. Sensor flush, also a 2-inch flapper. Generous 10 in. by 8 in. water surface area. Toilet seat is elongated with an open-front for genital placement. 

Photographs by staff were printed and enlarged, and the two detectives worked closely with faculty to re-create the crime in a controlled environment.

This led to the following deductions:

The culprit must be tall, allowing gravity to take hold of the stream and build momentum, creating wider splash patterns.

The culprit must remain in a constant state of dehydration, due to the cloudy, orange coloration of the urine.

The culprit must be single. A partner would not allow this penile predicament to occur. The culprit must be kind of a loser.

Due to their short statue and/or married status, Mr. Wheaton, Mr. Devons, and Mr. Pitticle were eliminated from the lists of suspects. This left Mr. Schwalick, Mr. Rarog, and Mr. Chezik, all of whom were tall, infrequent drinkers, and bachelors in the Social Studies Department.

Note: Mr. Pitticle, discovering he was no longer a suspect due to his height, made appeals to be readmitted on the basis that he was 5′ 6″.


November 13

Wilder and Percipheles observed the restroom and its occupants from 7:20 am to 2:50 pm. Their notes are comprehensive but incomplete. Below are highlights:

7:34 am to 7:46 am:

Mr. Schwalick, who has IBS, uses the restroom. Ms. Witkosky reports this is a common morning ritual.

8:15 am to 8:17 am:

Mr. Wheaton uses the restroom. We find no trace remains.

9:01 am to 9:06 am:

Mr. Rarog uses the restroom. Afterward, we find a yellow puddle near the seat. Further tests prove the puddle to be lemon flavored Gatorade. A 20-ounce bottle is recovered from the receptacle.

9:57 to 9:58 am:

Mr. Devons uses the restroom. We find a light spray on the seats, and make our determination that he forgets to ‘put the seat up.’ 

10:08 to 10:09 am:

Mr. Chezik almost uses restroom, but notices he’s being observed. Chezik departs from the faculty lounge. Security personnel report Chezik used a public restroom, and no puddling occurred. 

The notes end at 11:45 am, when Wilder and Percipheles decided to “get some Dunkin Donuts.” Notes resume at 2:45 pm:

The incident, described by an AP as a “bucket load,” transpired between 11:45 am and 2:45 pm. We were unable to establish a clear suspect.


November 14

Wilder and Percipheles had a new realization. In the same way that the length of a barrel raises the accuracy of a bullet, a long penis must create a more predictable and controlled trajectory. Therefore, the culprit’s weapon must be “stubbed” and “froglike.”

The Principal denied the detectives the ability to use Terry frisks, or justifiable protective searches performed when there is suspicion an individual is armed or, to quote Percipheles, “carrying a corndog that’s been bit in half.” HOUNDS!

November 15

Mrs. Wheaton, a SPED teacher in the Theater Department, read the school newsletter’s description of the faculty member’s physical member, and reported that Mr. Wheaton had a “candle stump that burned too long.”

Under the duress of a casual conversation in the hall, Mr. Wheaton confessed to peeing on the floor on Novemeber 13th, at 8:16 am, but cleaned up the crime using baby-wipes which he deposited into the trash receptacle. Later, at 1:45 pm, seeing that the detectives had departed for donuts, Mr. Wheaton proceeded to pee abnormally. Case closed.

By the bleachers, Wilder and Percipheles opened a bottle of wine to celebrate their victory, but a stray soccer ball broke the glass. “What a spoilsport,” Percipheles quipped successfully. HOUNDS!