Satire

Please help by donating any amount to this great cause.

The Open Arms Charity was created in 2010 by the National Rifle Association as a way to reach out to communities in need. The goal of Open Arms is to provide as many handguns as possible to homeless American citizens who otherwise would have no means of armament.

In its first five years, Open Arms provided more than 2,000 Americans with 100,000 nights of restful sleep by providing them military-grade weapons. Today, Open Arm continues to help the homeless by offering refurbished automatic and semi-automatic arms in 40 locations across the Sunbelt of the United States. In addition to guns, Open Arms provides utilities including ammunition, holsters, speed loaders, earmuffs, cleaning kits, and matte green pistol safe-boxes with fingerprint locks.

Open Arms is looking for donations in cash, check, or caliber. Give a helping handgun to those in need and donate today! As Abraham Lincoln once said, “Give a man a dollar, he’ll spend it on beer. Give a man a gun, he’ll have nothing to fear.”

Please help us provide the only shelter the homeless can take with them on the streets, seeing as they don’t have homes and all.  

Satire

Fiction — “The Most Prolific Writer”

Tanner Harby is the most substantial writer of the 21st century, although since the Century has only recently started, that might be presumptuous. But I am already this far in my report of his craft, and if it emerges that there is anyone who has written as extensively and with such detail, I will kill myself. I will put a gun to my temple and blast away, because my life will have become a purposeless ooze.

What makes Harby interesting (abstractly, not in actuality) is his lifelong attempt to document his entire life experience – all of it. Every minute, every moment, every fart, as it occurs in real-time.

Obviously, this project has had its pratfalls. Harby cannot record everything. In fact, his novel (shared with me, and only me, through Google Docs) is abridged. His babyhood, his childhood, are fleeting. The true conceit begins in his dwindling teen years, specifically when he learned how to write at 16, and will end at his death. Most of it is typed, but some parts are scanned napkins, toilet paper scrolls, whatever’s available.

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Satire

A Few Valentine’s Day Literary Cards

From Edgar Allan Poe

I’ll keep your heart forevermore
(turn the page)
beneath the floor.

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore –
Nameless here for evermore
(turn the page)
cuz forget dat hoe, u my bae now

ALLAN want for Valentine’s is you!
(turn the page)
A picture of the poet’s sad face with the words: POE-lease be mine?

From Henry David Thoreau

The reason I burned down that forest was because
(turn the page)
I was drunk on your love.

Happy Valentine’s Day to MYSELF.
(turn the page)
I’m self-reliant like that.

If there’s one thing I ask from you this Valentine’s Day
(turn the page)
it’s don’t thoreau away our love.

From Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for death
(turn the page)
I stop for you.

I think you’re quite dashing
(turn the page)
– love – Emily Dickinson –

From Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My last name is Longfellow
(turn the page)
But that’s not the only thing that’s long, fellow.

Satire

Fiction — “To Dr. Sterling pertaining his Artist”

Dear Dr. Sterling,

I have a complaint about your advice column, but it’s not about your advice specifically. In fact, I was delighted by your response to my letter on how I should deal with my husband [see Issue 8, 2016]. I was afraid our problems would lead to the dissolution of an unhappy marriage, but ever since I began to act the compliant, chirpy wife, per your suggestion, we not only get along better, but we make decisions quicker.

No, my complaint is about the artwork you feature inside your column, which does not reflect the tone of your advice.

You may need to speak to your artist, Ms. Josie Aurelio, about her visual direction. For example, in your response to my letter, Ms. Aurelio created a diorama (the images constructed out of magazine cuttings) depicting a nude Barbie doll in a wheelchair, her head cut open with a pink, gummy brain floating above her. Jumper cables connect the brain to a 2017 Jeep Wrangler (snipped from a Fiat Chrysler Automobiles ad), in the driver’s seat of which sits a Ken doll, who I can only infer is revving the engine. I found this image to be disturbing and insulting and possibly misandristic. Would you have a talk with the young lady?

Sincerely,
Victoria Greene

* * *

Dear Dr. Sterling

Again, I have good and bad news.

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Satire, Scifi

Kinotek presents a curated and constantly updated media library of films, television shows, and documentaries, commercial-free and as the director intended.

Sign up to watch all six seasons of The Cats of War, the show that gives a whole new meaning to the word “catastrophe” (and photo bomb)! From writer/producer Desmond White comes a nature documentary series about ordinary house cats strapped with Go Pros and IEDs, and given 24 hours to live, love, and leave hairballs before they’re detonated in a fiery, fluffy explosion.

Don’t miss the butts and guts on the Bachliator! Each season, America’s top-rated gladiatorial dating show follows a group of women who must fight each other to the death to win the hand of an anti-social but very rich terminal cancer patient. This week: Clare has to behead Lacey with a gardener’s spade before Daniel, a thirty-two-year-old with malignant melanoma, two months to live, and a net worth of 14 million dollars, shares true love’s first kiss in a hot tub.

Our library also includes audience favorites like:

Baby or Snake? 5 babies. 5 cobras. Who will win?

How Far Will You Embargo? Contestants must complete an obstacle course to win the ultimate prize: the corpse of Fidel Castro.

Bring Out the Kids! Total strangers must work together to give a woman an abortion.

START YOUR 689 MINUTE FREE TRIAL TODAY!

Satire

Fiction — “The Immortal Dr. Bysshe”

“It doesn’t matter” was his mantra.

“It doesn’t matter.”

In the bar, Dr. Bysshe clung to the utter frivolity and therefore futility of human life  its meaninglessness, its atoms, its empty spaces. He would witness a woman pulling gum off her shoe or a video of a school shooter offing himself after offing his class with the same perplexity, the same inquiry of who cares?

Every name, he argued, would be erased. No love, sorrow, contact, or conflict could endure the eternal siege of Time and Entropy.

So we have remembered him. It is our one countermeasure, or consolation.

Although Dr. Bysshe lived a hundred years ago, we remember, and we transmit his crushing spirit forward across state lines and timelines.

We will immortalize his shattered visage, his wrinkled lip, his frown, and his philosophic vision that so neatly suspends us over the Pit, so that all may look on his Works and Laugh, before completing their flight and lying down to sleep in lonesome sands.

Satire

Who said it? Donald Trump or a Disney Villain? A Special Presidential Post

 

I’m surrounded by idiots.

Was this Donald Trump speaking in a rally about the White House, or Donald Trump speaking to the White House about one of his rallies, or Scar from The Lion King?

The most beautiful girl in town, that makes her the best! And don’t I deserve the best?

Insensitive remarks from Donald Trump’s conversation with Billy Bush or Gaston in Beauty & the Beast?

They’re not like you and me, which means they must be evil.

Also

Off with their heads!

Donald Trump riffing on Mexicans or Ratcliffe riffing on Native Americans in Pocahontas or the Queen of Hearts ripping up her citizens?

You are deformed, and you are ugly, and these are things for which the world shows little pity.

Trump texting Tiffany or Frollo twittering at Quasimodo?

I killed Mufasa!

Probably Trump.

You poor, simple fools. Thinking you could defeat me. ME!

Maleficent or the 2016 inaugural address?

You’re speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.

Jaffar or Trump proposing to his third wife?

Triton’s daughter will be mine and then I’ll make him writhe. I’ll see him wriggle like a worm on a hook.

Trump.