This is Part III of the book I wrote in middle school. If you want to start from the beginning, go here.
In 1999, when I was ten, I wrote a book. It was called The Hero on Foot: The War of the Bowl and it was the worst thing ever written. Some twenty years later and I’ve recovered that particular manuscript from my parent’s attic—and out of my immense generosity, I’ve decided to review, summarize, and post excerpts for your general amusement.
The book was a poor imitation of Lord of the Rings with the One Ring to Rule Them All replaced by kitchenware. Tolkien’s decision to use a ring makes sense. A ring is ceremonial, has intrinsic value, can represent the union of souls, has a sense of permanence and significance. Today, we wear rings to show our devoted love, or alma mater, or sport’s team, or membership in a secret society. A bowl? I guess you use it to eat cereal.
There’s a delight in watching bad movies. I hope y’all will equally enjoy bad literature.
If you’ve missed the story so far, all you need to know is that our hero is badly injured and lost in the woods. That’s really all you need to know. Seriously.
Javis Kyle is discovered by an ogre named Lars. Apparently my ogres are smart, compassionate creatures.
And this is what ten-year-old-me thinks smart people sound like:
By the way, Lars is dressed like a gentleman scholar. I hired an artist to recreate this.