What’s a writing blog without a boring account of the blogger’s life and thoughts about marriage, children, and cats?
HBU’s premiere student literary journal is going to drop May 8th, 2017, and I’ll be posting it here after it’s available. As editor-in-chief, I didn’t think it proper to publish my own work in the journal, but I will admit to a little nepotism; my brother’s short story somehow made it in, although that’s more because it has actual merit as an absurdist dark comedy and less because he happens to be related to the guy in charge.
My buddy Phil Kiner (the same guy who designed this blog’s mascot) crafted this for my wedding.
I’ve never been more accurately depicted.
Crawford Notch Brewery (Dad, brother, myself) brewed a gallon of Elephant Head (a pale ale with fresh ginger root) and a gallon of Wild Ammonoosuc (a raspberry golden ale). Names are derived from the area around Crawford Notch, New Hampshire, where my Dad was born.
My little brother made this (what is this color? shiraz? faded rosewood? stale wine? crushed beet?) sketch of me. Follow his Instagram here.
Defenestration published my short story “Flexible Groups” in its December 2016 issue (for context, they release an issue every April, August, and December). I was influenced by Kurt Vonnegut’s “Harrison Bergeron” and my experiences in professional education. One of the members of my writer’s critique called this style “snarky with a soul.” I’m keeping that.
Defenestration is an online publication devoted to humor in all its varieties, and its About page boasts such accomplishments as selling its life story to Christopher Nolan (you might have heard of a little something called The Dark Knight) and successfully defending the Earth from Martians.
In the interest of clearing out my Rejects Page (which is in the menu above) to leave space for a new slew of letters, I’m posting my prose and poetry rejections before 2017. Consider it much needed spring cleaning.
Read if you’re in need of emotional support— the kind that only a little schadenfreude can provide.
OFFICIANT
[Version A] I asked Desmond and Julie when they first knew that they were in love. Des said the first time she farted in front of him, or in other words, at first-smell. Julie said that “the first time I told him that I loved him, I knew right then that it was a lie, but I needed the money.”
[Version B] I asked Desmond and Julie when they first knew that they were in love. Des said, “when I first laid eyes on her Dad.” Julie just stared enigmatically into the distance and said, “Soon.”
OFFICIANT
“Before we begin the ceremony, I would like to begin with a passage from the Bible because I think it elucidates the relationship between Desmond and Julie accurately. This is from 2 Kings 2:23-24: ‘From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy.” Elisha turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.’ Des, Julie, you two are like those bears in the woods. Whatever the Lord calls on you to do, you do it, and you do it together.”
That’s the challenge I posed to my Humanities course. I made it clear that I was using the gender-neutral variety of “man” (meaning I wouldn’t accept a “cheating pig”), that I wanted to avoid unrewarding labels like “Homo sapien” and “human being,” and that I preferred an adjective paired to a noun, or a genus and specific difference.
Think, I said over confused glances. What makes man different from every other living and non-living thing?
Their answers were wonderful.
I commissioned my friend Phil Kiner (check out his Behance, Twitter, and Instagram) to make an official business card for Desmond, Write.
Originally, I was thinking the card should feature the California Flag Bear made of the night-sky, like this:
It was elegant (that’s Phil’s mock-up), but Phil pushed me to find a design that better represented my personality. Something writerly, sophisticated, sloppy. Finally, we envisioned what would become the final result: a bespectacled bear eating ink like Winnie the Pooh and spilling it everywhere. It was my spirit animal. It was me.
And when Phil sent me the final proof, I was not disappointed.
If you’re looking for a professional graphic designer or an artist-in-general, Phil should be your go-to guy. Phil’s currently accepting commissions and can be contacted at pbkiner@gmail.com.
Don’t be a crap hatch. Do it.
Desmond, Write 