Tag: Satire

Mocking critiques in different forms. Targets include society, politics, religion, you.

Life, Satire

Spoken Word — “How to be a Man”

Posted on by Desmond White

Transcript:

How to be a Man: Splitting Firewood with your Face and Other Manly Skills

Say manly things. In fact, insert man into everything you say. It’s not that hard, man. There are plenty of manly words to diversify your manabulary. For example, mancore. It’s like a manticore, but manlier. Try shouting mancore after every manly thing you do, which should be all the time, and then some. DoMANate conversations with words like mandaculous, mandate, mandible, mandetta, mandlebars, comMANdo, mand.

Don’t get confused if people shit their pants. Real men have that effect.

Brag. Brag about everything. Even if it’s not true. No shame. I’ve never cock slapped a shark. I am not facebook friends with the Dalai Llama. I don’t even know how you’d arm wrestle a volcano but I brag about it all the time. And I’m so manificent that the world changes to fit my point of view. So brag, and if anybody calls you out on it, mount their genitals on a spear as a warning to others. Then brag about it.

I’ve actually concocted a few phrases to get your ginormous braggart balls rolling. “You know my girlfriend was complaining about her ex the other day so I threw him off a mountain.” “I’m sorry teach I’m late for class but you know I was too busy clubbing a bear to death with my schlong.”

Hit something. Be it a man, a woman, a child, then throw it. Ever seen judo? They throw stuff all the time. Don’t want to get up? Throw verbal abuse. “Your never going to amount to anything, son.”

Which brings me to my next point: pee on everything. Pee on the ground, pee on pee, pee on the audience, pee in space, pee on pandas, especially if they’re cock blocking you. Peeing is like marking your territory; it tells people where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to. It’s like Facebook. Where you’re going to pee next should be a constant discussion between you and your other men.

Finally, facial hair. It isn’t fashion, it’s life. It’s not accessory, it’s necessity. Mustachery is mandatory in the mantheon of manly men. Just look at the muschateers. Grow a mustache. No, two mustaches. Doublestache. Use the extra mustache as a boomerang to destroy your enemies. Can’t grow a stache, mortal? Staple a moose to your face.

So, if you’ve been listening to my mantra, you should be a man by now. Your balls should be dragging two feet behind you. You should have the ability to stare the sun to death. You should be like “yeah, sucka, you go down. You go down. Rematch!” Your very scent should cause women to keel over pregnant, but that’s okay, babies are great, they’re more people to fight!

So be a man, unless of course, you find a woMAN.

Satire

Case of the Piss Miss

Posted on by Desmond White

From the Santa Barbara Hounds Case Files

Case File #86 #87

See previous cases here.

Agents Involved: Wilder, Percipheles

November 11

Wilder, while working as a custodian at Does Pueblos HS, was contacted by several teachers about a recurring incident in the Social Studies faculty restroom. The situation was reported as a daily “pee puddle” causing discomfort to female staff. One eye witness described the event as “some guy keeps spraying everywhere except the bowl.” Wilder took the case. HOUNDS!

Continue reading →

Satire

Case of the Key Espy

Posted on by Desmond White

From The Santa Barbara Hounds Case Files

Case File #1 #86

Agents Involved: Wilder, Percipheles and Reeves.

February 18th.

Wilder found a key #1203-16 on the grass near Storke Tower. On its head was printed University of California Santa Barbara: Duplication Prohibited. Attached to the keychain was a bottle opener with the word Bathroom taped on the side. Wilder took the keychain off and attached it to his own set of keys. After consulting Reeves and Percipheles about Case #86, he then sleuthed campus trying the key on different doorways, to no avail. HOUNDS!

February 19th.

During an interview with the campus newspaper The Bottomline, Wilder overheard mention that the key to The Bottomline’s handicapped restrooms was missing! He said he didn’t know anything about it. HOUNDS!

February 20th.

Wilder and Percipheles checked The Bottomline’s handicapped bathrooms. The key worked! After relieving themselves, they went back to The Studio and closed the case. They were going to celebrate with victory wine, but a fly had gotten into their bottle of Barefoot Sauvignon Blanc.

“What a buzz kill,” quipped Percipheles quite successfully. Reeves drank some anyway. They decided not to return the key as Wilder wanted to keep the bottle opener.

Case Solved

Life

College Class Ideas

Posted on by Desmond White

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LITERATURE CS 15 Section 1:

“Talkin About My iGeneration”

The Millennial generation will be fully explored in this course focusing on how art & poetry is fabricated through the Internet and other media technologies. Exercises will include remixing youtube videos to create spontaneous narrative, concocting words for Urban Dictionary, and generating new memes. Every student is expected to create and utilize their own blog and twitter accounts.

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LITERATURE CS 16 Section 2:

“Mona Lisa in the Closet”

I don’t really know what this class will be about. But it sounds awesome.

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LITERATURE CS 8 Section 1:

“A Cough of Kafka”

Using letters as a mode of writing.

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LITERATURE CS 12 Section 5:

“Censorship in Poetry: Behind the Veil”

What does crossing out a word do to a poem? Unfortunately, censorship decisions can hinge on contemporary values of morality, proper literature, and value. This course will focus on didactic theories of “thou-shalt-not write such,” including a private eye examination of famous rough drafts and their revisions due to taboo affairs.

Required Reading

  • Plato’s Republic

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LITERATURE CS 5 Section 1.333:

“The Class That Jumped the Shark”

An Insider Look at troupes, cliches, story patterns, and other tricks of the trade. Although “the cliche” has recieved a negative connotation in today’s scholarship (for good reason!), the art of recycling literary themes, motifs, and patterns remains a useful tool to the useful writer. This course hates to break it to you, but tropes aren’t all bad. And knowing about them doesn’t cheapen the industry.

Required Reading

  • Joseph Campbell’s Hero With a Thousand Faces
  • Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat!
  • TV Tropes

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LITERATURE CS 4 Section 007:

“Plastered with Plath”

Alternative Course Title: Shots to Sylvia, then More Shots!

We’ll get drunk and read our favorite female authors.

Required Reading:

  • Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice
  • Edna Ferber’s So Big
  • Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights
  • Virginia Woolf’s Orlando

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LITERATURE CS 5 AREA 51:

“Writing For Hustler Magazine”

It’s in the course title.

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LITERATURE CS 1 Section 34:

“March of the Witch Hunters”

This course will conduct an inquisitive inquiry into the magical world of witches and wizardry. First, we’ll begin with Medea, who’s nature was “more bestial than Scylla, the Tuscan monster.” Then we’ll examine St. Anthony of the Desert, the Inquisition, the New England Trials of 1690, and folk culture shamanism. Finally, our course will conduct a search for modern-day spell books and attempt its own magical productions. Is witchery trickery or heresy? Illusion or reality? We’ll find out!

Required Reading:

  • Heinrich Institoris’ Malleus Maleficarum
  • Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett’s Good Omens
  • Paul Huson’s Mastering Witchcraft
  • Dungeons & Dragons’ Spellbook Compendium