Today we finish a hundred pages of literary abandon.
When I was ten, I wrote The Hero on Foot: The War of the Bowl. It was a fantasy travesty, an attempt at fascinating narrative by an immature writer that ended in drivel. You can start from the beginning by going here.
But we’re done. This is my last post on THOF:TWOFB (huh, not as catchy as LOTR) covering the final chapters.
Thank the gods there never was a sequel.
Our ‘hero on foot’ has come a long way. Javis has befriended wizards, slain knights with silly names like Sir Venice and Sir Treacle, been healed by a pontificating ogre, ordered a ‘hot squirt’ in a cathedral dedicated to cats, and tossed an urn into the face of his deadliest foe, then beheaded the guy.
But now Javis has to deal with something even stranger.
A fight between a demon and a zombie.
We begin after the only single battle in the titular war. Javis recollects his forces. We get another regiment list, this time of survivors.
Then a demon swoops in.
Somehow the diabolical threat is related to Javis Kyle.
Luckily, Boots updates us on what’s going on.
Of course I commissioned someone to draw the demon.
Even had it turned into a gif.
Next a zombie arrives.
Luckily, Boots is there to keep us in the know.
I didn’t commission an artist to draw John Baker but he probably looks like this.
If you, the reader, are not frustrated enough, Boots continues to infodump all over the chapter.
Okay, so I was about to post his speech, but this has gone on too long. I’ll summarize.
Basically, a dude named Tom Kyle created the village on the top of the mountain, then left because the villagers didn’t like him. You know, medieval politics. Later, Tom ran into a wizard, got into an argument, and was turned into a demon. Simple enough.
Tom blames his misfortune on another dude named John Baker, who’s just some peasant. Meanwhile, John also left the village, but forgot his soul, so he’s come back to get it. Now they’re fighting. Obviously. Naturally. As cursed demons and soulless dudes do.
Luckily, the situation solves itself.
Vindi-Wear, the wizard who showed up once and tapped the Silver Bowl with a wand before disappearing and not being mentioned again, well, Vindi-Wear shows up and restores Thames Tom.
You can tell how impressed my teacher is by his “enthusiastic” remarks.
The book pretends to end.
My poor teacher.
It’s not over.
There’s an epilogue.
So Thames has wanted to die since he was a baby?
The epilogue also kills off our main character.
An artist’s rendition of a spider monkey:
Came out cuter than I expected.
The line of Kyle dies out.
I think I was trying to recreate Isildur’s fate from Lord of the Rings. But we never find out what the bowl actually does. Maybe I was intentionally being meta. Introducing a magical artifact that doesn’t do anything but everyone wants it. The fantasy equivalent of the suitcase from Pulp Fiction.
Doesn’t matter. Boots smashes the Silver Bowl and the credits roll.
And so ends The Hero on Foot: The War of the Bowl. I hope this wasn’t helpful, because if you learned something from my ten-year-old storytelling construction, then you should be concerned. But I hope this was entertaining, in the same way that Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffing on Ator the Fighting Eagle is a decent way to spend an hour.
Seriously, if you learned something, you were doing this wrong.
Thanks for reading and good luck on your adventures.
Silver Bowl by María Lucía Escalona
Demon Gif by Nazareno Gonzalez
Spider Monkey by Zonny Brown